THE SCRONKY

A tale of oats, dog food, good endings, and bad decisions.

By the Potato Newsroom · Malibu, CA · January 29, 2026

On January 29th, 2026, two young souls traveled to the sacred meeting place — Elephant's mom's house — to reunite with their long-lost (moved away, but never forgotten) neighbor. The purpose of the gathering was noble.

Grilled cheese.

The souls, known as Camille and Isabel Shah, arrived hopeful and hungry. The sandwiches were toasted. Cheese melted heroically between slices of bread. Spirits were quite high.

But tragedy struck.

The Alba Rosa had been forgotten.

Witnesses describe a moment of sorrow. Some say time stopped. Others claim they heard faint Mozart violin music. It was, without exaggeration, a sad, sad day.

Still, the gathering continued.

Hours later, despite the fast and furious eating of the grilled cheese, the souls remained hungry. Elephant, bold and also, still hungry, proposed a solution:

"We shall make cookies."

The supplies were gathered. Cookbook (by some old lady, whom Elephant called a B*tch). Butter, softened in underwear. Chocolate chips added, and poured into mouths.

And then —

Elephant added oats.

Without consulting the council of the Shahs. Without any warning.

At first, no one understood the vastness of the decision. Oats seemed harmless. Wholesome, even. But the texture shifted. The dough thickened. The future darkened.

The mixture was scooped onto the baking sheet with confidence that history would later describe as misplaced.

When the oven door opened, what emerged was not a cookie.

It was not a scone.

It was dense. It was crumbly. It possessed… very structural opinions.

An emergency press conference was held. Simone Shah, mother of the souls and respected baked-goods critic, delivered the official statement:

"If you think of it as a cookie, it's very bad. But if you think about it as a scone, it's quite good."

— Simone Shah, Mother & Baked-Goods Critic

The room fell silent.

Thus, the Scronky was named.

To this day, scholars debate whether the oats were an act of bravery or chaos. But all agree on one thing:

It was a bad idea, but it had a very happy ending.

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From the Newsroom: The Malibu Potato covers food, local horror, structural baked goods, and other moderately important happenings. Tips welcome.